Guardian
by lumae
Summary: After Derek's tragic Death he finds himself in heaven, watching down on the ones he loved. One shot.


**Guardian**

* * *

He sat there watching, like he had for so many years beforehand and like he would for so many more to come. He had watched her since the day he left. The day he left the world. He had watched her as she stood over his body, the one he his soul had left just before. He had watched her as she stood there, with strength and courage holding her together,as she threatened to crumple under the strain of the day, she had not because she was extraordinary. She had held his hand and told him it was okay to go, that they'd be okay, even though he knew she was not sure if that was true. She had let him go, he had winced at this, because he knew how hard it was, everyone she loved seemingly abandoned her at sometime or other, they left, but this time she let him leave, she was a girl with abandonment issues but she was strong enough to let him leave. Not that he had wanted to, if love where enough he would have still been there with her, hell if love where ever enough he would still be with her today. He did not dwell on that anymore, he had long since accepted it, accepted that this was his fate, dwelling on it never changed anything. So instead he had just sat and watched her.

He had watched her at his own funeral, he had not wanted to though, he did not want to see his own funeral, it seemed a bit odd to be honest, but Lexie and Mark, and his father had encouraged him to, they told him it was important, that he needed to say goodbye to himself, which also sounded had watched as Meredith stood in the front row, the tears he had watched her hold back all week had broken free as Zola had said _'Goodbye Daddy'_ as his casket was lowered into the ground. Meredith had made sure his favorite Clash song was played, his love of ferry boats was mentioned and his famous saying was heard more than once that day, though as Derek had thought it was kind of ironic, though it was arguably a beautiful day, none of the doctor's there were saving any lives.

His Father had sat with him that day, for moral support, he had said, but Derek knew that was only a half truth, for his father usually sat and watched Carolyn. His father told him, he should be proud of his life, that he did so much in the time he had, he had found true love and had a family. Derek was proud, but he wished he had more time with them. He liked heaven, he liked seeing his father and Mark and Lexie and all the other loved ones he had lost over the years, but he wished more than anything that heaven was really a place on earth. He wished that he could comfort Meredith as she teetered on the precipice of destruction and despair, but he couldn't he could only watch as she somehow managed not to fall apart, she was so strong and that still amazed him.

Derek had watched as Meredith seemingly turned away from the world, shying away from those who tried to envelope her with support, Derek had sighed, Meredith did not like being suffocated with support, she found that overwhelming, you had to give her space, not too much, you had to keep her in your sight but not so close you shared the same breath.

It was weird seeing the people he loved mourn his death, his mother was destroyed, racked with grief over the loss of her son. His sister's were all red eyed and weepy, except for Amelia, but he was worried that she would fall prey to the steady tide of addiction, he hoped she wouldn't. For the most part, Derek thought that people were sad enough for his ego to be happy, and there was a thick helping of shock at the abruptness of his death hanging in the air. It was shocking, he never saw it coming, he had never imagined that, that day would be his last, that he would be the one to die in a car crash, instead of the ones he saved, it was ironic and somewhat cruel but he tried not to think about it and instead just sat there and watched Meredith.

As his mourners had left the house, he watched as Meredith remained on the couch for hours, just staring into space. Until he saw her get up, determination burned in her eyes, he watched as she threw clothes haphazardly into suitcases, scribbled a note on a scrap of paper and woke Zola in the middle of the night. He saw her leave the house and he wonder when she would go back. He knew she would, she ran when things got too much, she took some space, but she always came back. He had smiled as she pulled up by the beach in San Diego, he always thought they needed a beach vacation.

He watched with excitement one day, as Meredith peed on a stick. He held his breath as the minutes ticked by and Meredith paced back and forward in the tiny bathroom in the unit she had rented in San Diego. He saw a small smile flit across her face, it was first smile since he had left her. Derek felt his Father's hand pat his back.

"Congratulation's Son." He had said.

Derek had just smiled up at his father. He was happy, excited, thrilled that Meredith was pregnant, but he was also filled with a great sadness, because that he would never get to hold his child, or do anything but watch it from a distance. He had wanted more, but not this way. He found comfort in the fact that he had been able to leave something more for Meredith and their other children, another person to love.

Lexie who had also been watching with Mark sitting beside her, told Derek that Meredith was handling the news a lot better then when she had found out she was pregnant with Bailey. Derek had laughed as Lexie explained the minor bordering on major freak out Meredith had had the day she found out she was pregnant with Bailey. Meredith had never told him about that. He wished she had, but he did not say anything, he just stared down at Meredith,

He was watching one day with George, as Meredith sat on the beach, the kids were squealing and laughing as the foamy ocean waves licked at their toes. Meredith was almost five months pregnant and Derek was happy that she smiled more these days.

"We never went to the beach." Derek said to George.

"I regret that." Derek said, looking down. He regretted never going to the beach with his family, never holding Bailey in the waves, or building a sand castle with Zola. He regretted a lot of things, like fighting over stupid things and being mad for too long, it had wasted so much time, and time was as he now realized, too short and precious to waste.

"Derek." George said, looking at his former teacher but now firm friend in the clouds.

"Derek you can't regret what you never did, that's being in hell whilst in heaven." George said, with the wisdom Derek did not yet have.

"You can't wish for things to have been different, you can not ponder more time, we get to watch our loved ones live and that is heaven, getting to see someone live is heaven." George said, he and his father had enjoyed watching his mother and brother's live their lives, he was an uncle now, Jerry had become a father.

It was true Derek thought, wishing and regretting did not change the fact that he was up here looking down and she was down there looking around, looking for something to hold onto. So he just sat there, enjoying the moment as Zola held a sea shell to her ear and grinned.

"I can hear the sea." The little girl giggled and Derek smiled, he was happy Zola was able to giggle and still be a child.

Derek continued to watch as the fall leaves faded into the winter skyline and the knotted up balls of Christmas lights were meticulously untangled. There was Christmas cheer in the air and Meredith's stomach had continued to expand. Zola was so very excited about Santa and her new baby sister. Derek had been thrilled when he watched Meredith go for her last OB appointment and had discovered that the baby was a girl. Meredith did not cry everyday in the shower anymore, only some days now. She was not fretting nearly as much about the new baby as she had before Bailey was born. She had brought a Christmas tree and decorated it with metallic baubles and twinkling fairy lights. She had wrapped up present and placed bows on them and Derek felt a twinge of sadness, last Christmas they had been fighting but they had at least been together.

On the day Meredith went into Labor, Ellis had joined him, like she often did, they spent the most time watching Meredith. Meredith had handled the pregnancy beautifully Derek had thought, it was not easy but she had flourished, she had managed to figure it out by herself. But when they saw her collapse in a pool of her own blood, they both held their breath. Even though they both loved Meredith, they did not want her to join them in watching the world, anytime soon at least.

They let out a sigh of relief as Zola called 911. Derek was so proud of his little girl who had saved not only Meredith's life but her little sister's as well. Derek saw his daughter take her first breath, and he heard her cry fill up the room. She was perfect he thought, tears of pride and joy etching their way down his cheek. She was perfect and amazing and he hoped that she would bring the joy back into Meredith's life. He another daughter and her name was Ellis, he thought smiling down at Meredith and their baby girl. He watched as Meredith's mother had beamed with pure pride as Meredith told Alex the baby's name. Ellis, it was perfect Derek had thought.

"She really is an extraordinary human being." Ellis Grey had said to him, a single tear falling down her face.

Derek looked up and nodded, he did not need to repeat that, because after all it went with out saying, Meredith was an extraordinary human being. The baby was a new start for Meredith and the kids, something good in a year that had been anything but easy. Derek was glad Alex was with Meredith, she needed support it was time for her to go back to her life, time to return.

Derek had watched as Meredith returned from San Diego with the kids, he had watched as everyone reacted to the third Shepherd child. Baby Ellis, everyone was surprised and it was understandable, but no one questioned who the babies father was, Ellis really was the spitting image of her father. He had watched as Amelia found a little hope in the world as she cradled Ellis for the first time. It was living proof that sometimes good can come from bad situations, that there could be happiness after almost unbearable sadness. It gave Amelia hope, hope for a better future, a life where good things did happen.

He had smiled as Meredith picked up his ferry boat scrub cap on her first day back at work. She was so strong, she was amazing. He joined in the rousing applause that clattered through heaven as she finished the surgery. He watched as Meredith said goodbye to the house he had built for her and was not angry at her for giving up on the life he had dreamt for her. He knew that the house caused her too much grief and pain, and the memories that swirled through the windows, just reminded her of what she had lost. He had wanted the house to be filled with people and laughter and felt that her decision to move back into her old house was okay and he was glad she decided not to sell the house but instead rent it out.

Years went past, the days faded into each other, Ellis learnt to walk, Bailey learnt to ride a bike and Zola lost her first tooth the day after she started school and Derek continued to watch his family. Meredith flourished into an extraordinary surgeon, with an amount of admiration and respect that now rivaled that of her mothers. Meredith who had once believed that she would make a terrible mother had well and truly proved herself wrong. She was an amazing mother, who despite raising three young children and juggling a time consuming career all by herself, had still somehow managed to find the balance her mother never quite could. She still never learnt to bake though but that was okay, because the kids never minded store brought cakes.

Then one day as Derek sat there and watched, Meredith met someone. It was just an ordinary day and Meredith had to go to the school to drop Ellis's show and tell off and that was when she met him. His name was William and was there dropping his niece's clarinet off. William seemed nice and he asked Meredith out for coffee, she politely declined and then went and sat in her car and cried. It was the first time in along time, that Derek had seen her cry. She was not just crying for Derek, but also for herself. In the years since Derek's death, everyone around her had seemingly moved on, they all now had lives that barely resembled the lives they had when Derek had been alive. Amelia was Married to Owen, Maggie had just gotten engaged. Miranda Bailey had moved to The Brigham to be the new chief of surgery. Richard was semi retired and enjoying his life with Catherine, who was enjoying her twin grandchildren who had just started to walk. Alex and Jo were just weeks away from meeting their first child. Callie and Arizona had fixed what was broken between the two of them and had re-married last August, they were now looking into adoption. Everyone's life had changed, and so had Meredith's except, it hadn't. She was still Derek's wife and she was still the Grey Widow as each lot of new interns referred to her as. She still loved Derek and she always would, but she was torn between moving on with her life and just existing in a life that was only half there. She wanted to try and move on but she felt like she was betraying Derek, at least that was what she told Amelia that night.

Amelia had told Meredith that it was okay to move on, it was okay to be happy, it was okay to try and have a life and that it was not betraying Derek. Amelia had realized that in the years since Ryan died and as Derek sat there watching, he could not help but agree. He wanted Meredith to be happy, that was what he had wanted for her, all along. He loved Meredith and he knew she loved him, that love was not about to leave or disappear if she let someone else love her. Meredith had looked at Amelia, a faint hint of acceptance laced her face, maybe she could move on, maybe it would be okay. Though she did not think it would matter, she doubted she would ever see that guy again.

As Derek discovered a few weeks later, she was wrong. She bumped into him at the hospital, he was visiting his sister who was getting treatment for her breast cancer. When he asked Meredith out for coffee she agreed this time. Derek watched and listened as the two of them sat and chatted in a dimly lit coffee shop. William was an accountant, Derek liked this, accountants were good, dependable, they didn't have the urge to put their lives at risk to save others, not that there was anything wrong with this, but Derek had to admit, too many of his friends and loved ones had ended up here because of that urge, himself included. William's sister was dying, the chemo was just giving her more time with Aubrey her daughter, William tried to help out with her but he admitted to Meredith he always felt useless. He had been engaged before, Derek discovered when he started to meet Felicity, William's fiance, she had died three weeks before they were suppose to get married, a car crash ironically.

Felicity and Derek started to sit together more often, watching as the people they had loved, started fall in love with each other. It was bitter sweet, they both wanted them to be happy, they both just wished they were still alive. Sometimes in heaven it was hard to avoid hell. As the weeks turned into months and William's sister Cynthia joined them, Derek decided he liked William. He liked how William only gave Meredith a kiss on the cheek when he dropped her back at the front door after their first real date. He liked how William played catch with Bailey and checked under Ellis' bed for monsters, sure he would have given anything to do those things with his kids, but he was glad someone was. Derek liked how William never tried to replace him as the kids father, because he knew he never would. Derek really liked how William cared for Meredith, how he made her laugh and smile, how he realized that Meredith was the sun, how he accepted her for who she was and loved her unconditionally and how he found her snoring charming. But the thing Derek loved the most was how he waited for Meredith to be ready. How he waited for over a year. He was patient and understanding but now she was ready.

Derek knew Meredith had fallen in love with William and that was okay. Derek loved Meredith, with all his heart and even though it hurt sometimes to see her being loved by another person, truthfully it was all he had ever wanted for Meredith. He had always wanted her to feel loved, to be loved, for her to know love and William did love her and she had started to love him and in a way that made him happy because Meredith deserved to live a life and be happy.

So today, they day in which Meredith was finally ready to take the next step with William, because as much as he loved his wife and liked William he did not feel like he needed to see that moment. So instead he decided to go watch his kids who were having a sleep over with Amelia and Owen and their new baby cousin, Christopher Derek Hunt. Derek wistfully watched his children play with the baby, this was not how he had imagined his life being, but he was finally at peace with it and enjoying watching the ones he loved find happiness once again. So he would continue to watch over them and be their guardian angel, until they met again.

* * *

I really wanted to write a one shot on Derek's perspective of everything, so I did and I know many of you will be sharpening your pitchforks because I made Meredith fall in love with someone else and I guess that's okay and it is your right as a reader to have feelings and disagree. I just thought it was a different take on things and raised the interesting concept of moving on and that it was okay to love again after losing a loved one. I think it is okay to move on, It's also okay not to. So before you start jabbing those pitchforks, just ponder that.

Anyway, for those of you who have been reading my other stories, I do apologize for the the delay in updating them. I was busy, I had stuff to do, things came up, deadlines became an ever present force and stuff I did not have to do sort of faded away, but I promise you I will get back into the swing of updating more regularly. If people still want me to that is but that's all from me for now. Let me know what you think and how you've all been going.

Cheers,

Lumae


End file.
